Terrazza Martini

Dear friends,
You like the Queer Palm,
You would like to come for our awarding ceremony and our big party
on the Terrazza Martini
Saturday, May 25th at 9.30 PM

Please contact us by e-mail : contact@queerpalm.fr

We tend to forget but Cannes is not only about heavy drinking and finding yourself miserable on the beach at dawn with sand in your mouth, it’s also a film festival. And cinema means glamour, glamour means fashion, and fashion means legions of fashionistas staring at you from head to toe thinking “really?” while pinching their lips and raising an eyebrow.

It’s your first time on La Croisette and you’re afraid of appearing on the “don’t” page of a mean magazine? Follow these tips to be the best dressed of all the festivaliers.

On the red carpet, Madame will not wear anything red of course, so she can avoid the famous 2012 Berenice Bejo debacle, when the actress walked up the steps of the palais wearing a magnificent gown that seemed to have be sown with what was left of the previous year’s carpet. The photographers were yelling “Béré? Béré?”, while the actress was screaming “here! i’m here!”. How grotesque. If you want to be noticed without having to resort to a nipslip, Madame will dare a long train à la Longoria, a gown that will please the cleaning staff for it will double as a carpet cleaner. If Madame prefers to remain discreet, there is nothing better than a light beige dress that shines a little, along with a gold handbag. The bitchy commentator will only be inspired by something like “very eternel cinema glamour chic” and move on.

If you are going to walk up the stairs surrounded by men, avoid black dresses that won’t stand out among their dark suits, and choose an Angelina Jolie emerald green, or a Kirsten Dunst turquoise. Avoid however wearing yellow chick fluff, apparently Melanie Laurent is still getting harassed on a regular basis by angry stylists who have not forgiven her and beat her violently while screaming tchip tchip. Finally, Madame won’t hesitate to queer up the stairs by wearing the coolest female tuxedo. And maybe finally some day, the movie she made will be selected. Haha just kidding, everyone knows women are just for looking pretty. Monsieur will make an effort and wear a bowtie, a real one, not the clip-on kind, because Monsieur is not a wild animal. He will try to bring a touch of originality to the land that male fashion forgot: award ceremonies. Despite I don’t know how many designers of male couture in Paris New York Milan, only one kind of outfit can be seen on the Cannes stairs: the black tux. Get inspired by the Jude Laws (white bowties) and Johnny Depps (every kind of chains and pocket watch) of our world, for they are fighting every day to save their gender from the clothing no man’s land it seems to be stuck in. We said “inspire”, not imitate Johnny Depp. Yeah, you heard me Lulu Gainsbourg.

Advice: if Monsieur wants to enter a screening but does not have credentials, he can chose the outfit of a N’golock warrior, with metal necklaces and various coloured ethnik fabric; basically the outfit of someone who couldn’t have ended up here by chance. People will think you must be the lead actor of a very moving film from Tanzania about the concept of absence and more specifically the way it is non-present. You will be allowed in because no one will dare say they haven’t seen your movie.

In case of a rainy Cannes, avoid white clothing that might become see-through making you look like an idiot who thinks the Hot d’or is still happening. If you have a chance to win a palme, try not to let your hair down, or you’ll be forced to hairflip like a madwoman, the way Maïwenn did as she was thanking everyone. She had to get physical therapy aftewards.

These tips are not intended for those going to the Queer Palm, since they will be stared at from top to bottom, but with totally different intentions *wink*wink*.